there must be a setting...

there must be a setting on here for food...if i could just get my paws on it for a second...

Conversations

She got mad at me for not listening this morning.  She grabbed my face and spoke in that spooky quiet voice that means “I’m very angry and trying hard to control myself right now.”  She got mad and I didn’t even realize that there was a problem.  It wasn’t that I wasn’t listening to her yell “Come, Gracie, Come right now!” it was just that it was background noise.  I couldn’t really hear her over the siren call of the French fries lying in the grass combined with the thrill of approaching dogs to go greet.  So I wasn’t trying to be bad or ignore her.  Her message just didn’t get through. 

That’s the thing with this whole talking bit.  I have to be a) paying attention, b) know what the words mean, and c) able to understand her, and d) willing to engage in the conversation.  That’s a lot of requirements to be fulfilled all of the time.  She just assumes that her voice is the only one I’m paying attention to.  What she doesn’t realize is that there’s the lull of the wind, the noise of traffic, the swish of other dog tails wagging, and the screams of cat food lying in the grass all competing for my attention.  I know that she carries treats for me, but frankly, given the choice between carrot slices and French fries…I mean come on, I’m not an idiot!

It’s it the same with you humans? Don’t you have lots of voices swirling around those big heads of yours? Don’t you have nagging thoughts of to-do lists, ponderings about events earlier in the day, anxieties about things to come mixed with the chatter of your friends? Isn’t it sometimes hard to focus on what the person in front of you is saying? No one is getting your hearing checked or assuming you’re misbehaving when you zone out.  Or is it only me that happens to?

Wait…what was I saying?

Sorry, I got lost in the scent of my stuffed toy for a second and distracted by the bird outside…were we having a conversation?

New Years Resolutions...maybe

For 2012, I, Gracie Joy, resolve to:

1. Come when called except when i find something really good to sniff or eat, in which case I'll come when I'm good and ready...ie when the food has all been eaten
2. Cover you with puppy licks for as long as you'll leave uncovered skin in my presence
3. Be exuberantly overjoyed every time you walk in the door even if you've only been gone long enough to switch the laundry
4. Not hold a grudge even when you pry discovered chicken bones out of my mouth
5. Allow you to zip me up in frilly pink coats but only for the warmth factor and not because I care about appearances or anything...although I must admit I look pretty cute in my pink puffy jacket
6. Eat every morsel of food in my bowl and then make continual checks every three minutes from then on out just in case you've added more food
7. Adore you even when you're crabby
8. Play fetch for as long as you want as long as you've got something tasty for me when I return the ball
9. Stop and sniff every blade of grade and each petal of every flower to appreciate the beauty of nature...and pee
10. Remind you by example to stop doing and just lie down and cuddle with me
11. Listen to you and do what you ask...again, just not in the face of food...in that case i may have a case of selective hearing loss
12. Love you unconditionally no matter what you look like, what kind of mood you're in, or how successful you are.  

Then again, these resolutions aren't really a stretch for me...it's kind of just me being a dog. 

 Hummm wonder if they still count.  Perhaps a better title would be "What a dog does naturally"!

Just so we're clear...

When I say we have a communication breakdown what I mean is that she needs to come over to my way of interpreting. We're at the park and we're sticking with my definition!! Come = sometime in the next ten minutes... Just so we're clear.

Oh, and "LEAVE IT RIGHT NOW" means wolf down the chocolate cake and then trot over and lick your face

Weight gain plan

We’re on a weight gain plan at our house, which suits me just fine.  Really I’ve been a subscriber to this plan from day one, but it’s my mommy’s twin, the evil master who always foils my plans.  I mean really, I find perfectly good pizza crusts and chicken bones that fit right into my diet, and then she steals them from me.  Actually prying open my jaws and snatching the food.  That’s just not polite! I’d share if she’d ask nicely but she’s not usually a happy camper when I have my jaws clamped down on a leftover chocolate bar, so then I don’t even want to share!

But seriously, this diet thing has gone on long enough and I’m hungry.  I know, I know, it’s better for my joints and I have a ton more energy now that I’m not overweight…all the better to race away in search of food!  But I’m always up for a tasty treat or really anything remotely edible, and I don’t get why she doesn’t feel the same way.  She’s even skinnier than I am, and has a fridge stuffed with food.  What’s the problem? Why doesn’t she want to eat it? It’s right there and I don’t have opposable thumbs so no one’s going to prying open her jaws. 

And yet, she sits down every day to salad. Salad three times a day.  Literally lettuce and dressing and sometimes some toppings.  Let’s be clear – I’d eat it if she’d let me but really, I’d almost prefer leaves and mud…more flavor.  I watch her nibble when we’re out to dinner, and smile politely while passing on dessert and I don’t understand.  What’s wrong with this girl? Why is so scared of that machine with numbers in the bathroom? Is that her evil master? 

I want to be spry and painless but I’d be fine with waddling! So since she’s my mommy and obviously perfect, I figure it must be the human world that’s broken.  Because in doggy land, we like food.  We eat food whenever and wherever we can.  So maybe there’s different rules in the human world? Is that it? So I have some choice words for this human world. Stop telling my mommy that skinny means success, and thin is better and the boniest is the winner.  Stop giving her messages of not good enough, too much, too big, doesn’t measure up.  Be nicer to her.  She needs more pats and cuddles and less critical training.  She’s got the lessons down pat.  She’s too well trained, as are so many humans that I run into on our walks and at the park.  I think my mommy needs to take some cues from doggyland.

1. Food is delicious and meant to be eaten.
2.  Eat desserts first because someone else might come and steal them.
3.  Bony means uncomfortable laps to sit in and not enough padding for cuddling.
4. Healthy doesn’t mean fat. Healthy is having energy for lots of walks and games of fetch.
5. Lettuce is yummy every now and then but really it’s for the rabbits, and neither of us qualify.

Needless to say, I’m a very willing participant in this weight gain plan.  I just hope her evil master lets her join me.