Friday, November 25, 2011

Weight gain plan

We’re on a weight gain plan at our house, which suits me just fine.  Really I’ve been a subscriber to this plan from day one, but it’s my mommy’s twin, the evil master who always foils my plans.  I mean really, I find perfectly good pizza crusts and chicken bones that fit right into my diet, and then she steals them from me.  Actually prying open my jaws and snatching the food.  That’s just not polite! I’d share if she’d ask nicely but she’s not usually a happy camper when I have my jaws clamped down on a leftover chocolate bar, so then I don’t even want to share!

But seriously, this diet thing has gone on long enough and I’m hungry.  I know, I know, it’s better for my joints and I have a ton more energy now that I’m not overweight…all the better to race away in search of food!  But I’m always up for a tasty treat or really anything remotely edible, and I don’t get why she doesn’t feel the same way.  She’s even skinnier than I am, and has a fridge stuffed with food.  What’s the problem? Why doesn’t she want to eat it? It’s right there and I don’t have opposable thumbs so no one’s going to prying open her jaws. 

And yet, she sits down every day to salad. Salad three times a day.  Literally lettuce and dressing and sometimes some toppings.  Let’s be clear – I’d eat it if she’d let me but really, I’d almost prefer leaves and mud…more flavor.  I watch her nibble when we’re out to dinner, and smile politely while passing on dessert and I don’t understand.  What’s wrong with this girl? Why is so scared of that machine with numbers in the bathroom? Is that her evil master? 

I want to be spry and painless but I’d be fine with waddling! So since she’s my mommy and obviously perfect, I figure it must be the human world that’s broken.  Because in doggy land, we like food.  We eat food whenever and wherever we can.  So maybe there’s different rules in the human world? Is that it? So I have some choice words for this human world. Stop telling my mommy that skinny means success, and thin is better and the boniest is the winner.  Stop giving her messages of not good enough, too much, too big, doesn’t measure up.  Be nicer to her.  She needs more pats and cuddles and less critical training.  She’s got the lessons down pat.  She’s too well trained, as are so many humans that I run into on our walks and at the park.  I think my mommy needs to take some cues from doggyland.

  1. Food is delicious and meant to be eaten.
  2.  Eat desserts first because someone else might come and steal them.
  3.  Bony means uncomfortable laps to sit in and not enough padding for cuddling.
  4. Healthy doesn’t mean fat. Healthy is having energy for lots of walks and games of fetch.
  5. Lettuce is yummy every now and then but really it’s for the rabbits, and neither of us qualify.

Needless to say, I’m a very willing participant in this weight gain plan.  I just hope her evil master lets her join me.

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